by
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MELINDA |
late
20’s, in an old Laura Ashley dress. Cropped hair. |
|
ANDREW |
late
20’s, in khakis and a shirt with a collar. |
|
PHILLIP |
late
20’s, in corduroy pants, a short-sleeved shirt and tie. Thick glasses. |
A Note on Staging: This play takes place primarily inside a wardrobe just large enough to hold the three actors. Ideally, the set would consist of an actual wardrobe constructed without the back wall (which faces the audience) and lit mainly from the “room” behind it, so that when the wardrobe door is closed the stage is lit only from light entering through cracks around the wardrobe door. Alternately, the actors can mime opening the door and climbing in and out of an imaginary wardrobe. The only required prop is a cardboard box, which says “STAR WARS” prominently but neatly on each side, sitting on the floor of the wardrobe.
Blackout. The sound of footsteps coming up a staircase, then across a room. From behind, MELINDA opens the wardrobe door, steps inside, and closes the door behind her. She nestles into a coat. More footsteps follow, again up a staircase and across the room. ANDREW opens the door.
MELINDA
You found me—oh.
ANDREW
Sorry. I can go somewhere else.
MELINDA
No, there’s plenty of room. See?
ANDREW
You don’t mind?
MELINDA
Please.
ANDREW
All right.
He steps into the wardrobe and closes the door. Darkness.
MELINDA
Maybe you could...
ANDREW
(opening door) Of course. (He settles back from doorway.) We’ll close it when we hear someone coming up.
MELINDA
Right.
ANDREW
Those stairs have always been creaky. Or at least they were 25 years ago.
MELINDA
Did you grow up with Jim?
ANDREW
Practically. I’m Andrew Parker, the Prodigal cousin. Just came back for the party, for Jim, you know.
MELINDA
(offering her hand) Melinda Murphy. I live next door.
ANDREW
Cool. So what brought you to the wardrobe?
MELINDA
You’re going to think I’m silly.
ANDREW
Come on.
MELINDA
It’s stupid.
ANDREW
Wait until you hear my reason.
MELINDA
Fair enough. I was watering plants for Jim while he was in St. Anne's. Had to come up here for that poofy ficus, and the moment I laid eyes on this wardrobe I wanted to climb in and see if I ended up in Narnia. Told you it was stupid.
ANDREW
No, I'm laughing because I thought the same thing when I first saw it. When we’d play hide and seek as kids, Jim would always find me first because I’d hide in here.
MELINDA
Every time?
ANDREW
Every last time. I was sure that one day the portal would be open and—
MELINDA
And then Turkish Delight.
ANDREW
It’s such a great story. My kids and I read it every year.
MELINDA
How old are they?
ANDREW
Eleven, twelve, some might be a year older or younger.
MELINDA
You don’t know how old your kids are?
ANDREW
Not my kids. I don’t have any, far from it. I teach fifth grade.
MELINDA
Oh.
ANDREW
But that doesn’t mean I’m gay.
MELINDA looks confused.
ANDREW
For some reason, people hear “male elementary school teacher” and think “gay.”
MELINDA
I can’t imagine why.
Slow footsteps on the staircase, continuing through the next lines.
ANDREW
Do you mind stepping back a little? I want Jim to find me first.
MELINDA
For old time’s sake.
ANDREW
Exactly.
ANDREW centers himself in the doorway, closes the door. Footsteps across the room.
ANDREW (lunging out as the door opens, triumphant)
You caught me! Oh, sorry. I thought you were Jim.
PHILLIP
No, he’s, uh, still counting.
ANDREW
Well, you’re welcome to join us.
PHILLIP
Are you sure?
MELINDA
You just have to let Andrew stand by the door. He wants to be It next.
PHILLIP
Well, I sure don’t want to be It. Didn’t want to play at all, but Jim said if he saw me first, hiding or not, I’d have to be It.
MELINDA
Well, climb on in. We won’t bite. I’m Melinda.
ANDREW steps out, and PHILLIP climbs in. When ANDREW steps back in, the three are pretty uncomfortable, but still able to climb over and around each other as they talk.
PHILLIP
Phillip.
ANDREW
I’m Andrew.
PHILLIP
I deduced that. You want to be It?
ANDREW
It’s sort of a family joke.
PHILLIP
Your family always play children's games? Peculiar thing to do, given the circumstances.
ANDREW
No, but if Jim wants to, I mean, this is his day.
MELINDA
Poor guy.
ANDREW
So, Phillip, how do you know Jim?
PHILLIP
I work at the library, which Jim frequents. Not just researching the disease, either, he has a broad range of literary interests. He came in every few days for years, and then he invited me to his book club.
ANDREW (not insinuating anything)
Oh, I see.
PHILLIP
But I’m not gay. It's not a gay book club or anything like that.
ANDREW
Okay.
PHILLIP
You see, people hear “librarian,” and they think “homosexual.”
MELINDA
But your story would be so romantic if you were. Gazing across the stacks...
PHILLIP
But I’m not.
ANDREW
Know what you mean, man. Fifth grade teacher. (He holds his hand up for a high-five. PHILLIP eventually catches on, and meekly high-fives.) Yeah. Straight men can work with kids.
PHILLIP
Or read.
ANDREW
Yeah.
A long beat. In the pause, PHILLIP begins sniffing loudly.
MELINDA
Oh God, don’t you start crying, or I’ll bawl my damn eyes out.
PHILLIP (sniffing some more)
It’s not that. There were mothballs in here.
ANDREW
I don’t smell anything.
PHILLIP
Four years ago, I’d say. The smell is overpowering. I’m sure you can tell from my lenses that I’m legally blind in my left eye.
MELINDA
I’m sorry.
PHILLIP
You’ve heard of blind people’s other senses sharpening to compensate?
ANDREW
Sure.
PHILLIP
You always assumed it was hearing, didn’t you? Well, it’s not.
MELINDA
You can smell mothballs from four years ago?
PHILLIP
Naphthalene is unmistakable.
MELINDA
What a gift!
PHILLIP
It’s a curse. Most smells on this planet aren’t good. I can’t go into most public places: stores, restaurants, virtually anywhere. And most things and people can’t come into my house, either. Guests and pets are out of the question.
ANDREW
You must be losing your mind, in such tight quarters with two people.
PHILLIP
Actually, the mothballs are so strong I can’t smell anything else.
ANDREW
Not even her shampoo?
MELINDA
I don’t smell a thing.
ANDREW
(to MELINDA) It’s nice.
PHILLIP
The Naphthalene was here, believe me.
ANDREW
Interesting.
PHILLIP
Say, would you mind if I stepped out for some air?
ANDREW starts toward the door.
PHILLIP
Wait, I’m fine.
ANDREW
You sure?
PHILLIP
What if Jim comes? I don’t want to be It. Why would you want to be It?
ANDREW
It’s not that I want to be It so much. I just want to see the look on Jim’s face when he says, “Andy, you’re It. Again!”
MELINDA
Oh, do you go by Andy?
ANDREW
Not in fifteen years.
MELINDA
Crazy how a little reminder can transport you to another time or place. Not literally, like the wardrobe to Narnia, but every time I pass High and 12th it’s my sophomore year in college again. Even though I do it seven or eight times a day.
ANDREW
You work around there?
MELINDA
I drive a cab.
ANDREW
Wow.
PHILLIP
I don’t know that intersection.
MELINDA
High and 12th? OSU.
PHILLIP
I don’t drive.
ANDREW
Your vision?
PHILLIP
No. My right eye is within legal parameters. The stench of the exhaust is torture.
MELINDA
I live to be behind the wheel. Andrew, I'm guessing you—
PHILLIP
Sorry, Andrew, would you mind? (eyeing the door again)
ANDREW
Please. (ANDREW steps out. PHILLIP follows.)
ANDREW steps back in, and he and MELINDA make awkward interested eye contact. After a moment, ANDREW looks away, noticing the Star Wars box for the first time.
ANDREW
Star Wars! (He jumps to the box, and starts rummaging through it.) If I’m not mistaken, this is Jim’s pristine Death Star play set.
PHILLIP
More working parts than any other play set, except the Droid Factory.
MELINDA
I don’t remember a Droid Factory.
ANDREW
It was stupid. (More rummaging.) But with the Death Star you could reenact the whole movie. Jim always got the good toys.
MELINDA
I always wanted an X-wing. Not the toy, a real one.
ANDREW
Look at this trash monster—not a nick or scuff. Know what this thing would bring at a Con?
PHILLIP (climbing back into the wardrobe)
Mint condition trash monsters range from fifty to sixty dollars.
ANDREW
All this stuff together, that's...
PHILLIP
Not yours to sell off yet.
ANDREW
I wasn't... I wouldn't... (beat)
MELINDA
What's a Con?
PHILLIP
That’s a science fiction convention.
MELINDA
Did you play Star Wars with Jim when you were kids? I was the only girl in my family, so I always got Leia.
ANDREW
Jim was Luke. I had to take Han Solo.
MELINDA
Han turned out to be the right choice for the long run.
ANDREW
But in 1977, all the girls loved Luke.
MELINDA
We made my little brother be Chewbacca or he couldn’t play.
PHILLIP
I had to be Chewbacca.
MELINDA
You’d be a better C3PO.
PHILLIP
What’s that supposed to mean?
MELINDA
Just that he’s smart, and you are, too. (beat) I like C3PO. (beat)
MELINDA
It’s sure taking Jim a long time to find us. I hope everything’s okay down there.
PHILLIP
Maybe he’s not coming.
ANDREW
What? We’re playing so he can find me. Like when we were kids.
PHILLIP
Maybe he found some people on the first floor and then gave up. This is the furthest room from where Jim was counting. The least likely place to be found.
ANDREW
No, you keep looking until you find everyone. That’s how it’s played.
PHILLIP
When you’re not too sick to climb.
ANDREW (exiting the wardrobe and looking toward the stairs)
He’s in remission. That’s the whole— He can climb the damn steps.
PHILLIP
I meant that’s how it’s played when you’re...kids.
ANDREW
He’s going to find me.
MELINDA
Of course he will.
ANDREW
That’s how we play.
MELINDA
You stay hidden until It calls Ollie Ollie In Free.
PHILLIP
If—sure.
MELINDA
So, Andrew, you don't live around here now?
ANDREW
No. New York City.
MELINDA
Why so far from home?
Andrew shrugs.
MELINDA
The Big Apple. Now that’s a cabbie’s town. Bet you’ve seen some crazy shit.
Oh, to drive through Times Square. One foot on the gas, the other on the brake. Right hand on the horn, left fist shaking at the pedestrians jumping out of your way.
PHILLIP
Sounds hazardous.
MELINDA
I could drive in New York City. I’m good. I’ve already mastered this town. I know the fastest route from anywhere to anywhere, at any time of day. Hey, Andrew? (ANDREW returns to the wardrobe.)
You know, your family should have my pager number on hand for when they need to get Jim to the hospital. I mean, if they ever need to get there quick. If I’m on duty, I could even radio it in as an emergency and maybe get a police escort or—
ANDREW
Look, could we talk about something other than Jim for a minute?
MELINDA
Okay. (beat)
PHILLIP
If you’re in New York, did you make it to Empire Union 2000?
ANDREW
I wish.
MELINDA
Back to the science fiction?
ANDREW
I take it you're not a fan.
MELINDA
They always do it wrong. To see one cool chase scene, you have to sit through an hour of intergalactic politics and green people.
ANDREW
Yeah!
MELINDA
Oh. (She wanders out of the wardrobe and looks toward the staircase.)
PHILLIP
Kirk or Picard?
ANDREW
(“duh”) Picard.
PHILLIP
Hands down. Wars or Trek?
ANDREW
Totally Trek.
PHILLIP
Tasha Yar, Deanna Troi, or Seven of Nine?
ANDREW
Seven!
PHILLIP
Yeah! (He offers his hand for a high five. Andrew smacks it with enthusiasm.) Hey, Melin— (He notices that MELINDA has left, and then follows her.)
ANDREW follows PHILLIP. The sound of footsteps on the staircase. The three run toward the wardrobe, pushing ANDREW in first.
ANDREW
Wait, could I? It would mean a lot.
They scramble over and around one another so that ANDREW is next to the wardrobe door. ANDREW closes the door. Blackout.
End of play.