by Jennifer Kollmer
jen@kollmers.net
Thanksgiving weekend, 1984. The
|
Caroline |
28. Workshop
coordinator and head instructor for the |
|
Cameron |
29. Caroline’s brother and workshop coordinator. |
|
Janet |
27. Caroline’s and Cameron's assistant. Wears lots of purple. |
|
|
24. Janet’s sister. Recently graduated law school. |
|
Will |
29. Cameron’s college pal. Taking over his father’s publishing house any day now. |
Scene 1. The communal dining room at
the
JANET
This bird had a better life than most people. The farmer dude said there’s this free range recreation area.
Smells good.
JANET
You will eat some, yeah? Everybody’s so into macrobiotics, and I can’t remember if this friend of Cameron’s is vegetarian or not.
For once we won’t have to fight for the drumsticks.
JANET
I’m not—the macrobiotics.
JANET rushes offstage and returns with a bowl of brown rice pilaf.
Not even a bite?
JANET
No. Poultry’s totally as bad as red meat in the life pyramid.
They made you go macrobiotic?
JANET
They didn’t make me do anything.
Right. Sorry.
JANET exits.
Look, Mom wanted me—well, actually, last time we talked she said she didn’t want me to bring this up, but it’s just that you’ve got—someone from US Bank called the house.
JANET returns with a bowl of mashed potatoes.
JANET
Oh, them. Guess they haven’t found me here.
They told Mom they’d turned things over to their lawyer.
JANET
It’s not like I have some bank account they can take from me. Or a car even.
How can you not have a car? You hadn’t even paid it—
JANET
I guess technically I still own
it. But there was this retreat in
What if you have to go somewhere?
JANET
Where? I work here. I live here.
If you want to clear this up formally, I could draft something. Most people don't know it, but with a bankruptcy plan, you can arrange to pay most everyone back.
JANET
You drove all the way here to tell me about bankruptcy?
Of course not.
JANET
Because you could have just sent a letter or something.
JANET exits.
I didn’t, okay?
JANET returns with a loaf of bread.
JANET
Good. I’m glad you’re here, anyhow. I want you to meet Cameron.
Your boyfriend?
JANET
Well, “boyfriend”—that’s not really— He and I are just kind of...I don't know. But he’s... God, I feel like I’m fifteen talking about him.
Is that a good idea? A coworker?
JANET
What?
You know what they say: don't shit where you eat.
JANET
That's a gross way to put it.
Aren’t you dating one of your professors or something?
What? No.
JANET
Last I heard, Mom thought... Oh! I just flashed on this professor dude from the interpolation workshop who would be perfect. He's cute in a forty-year-old kind of way. I think he does yoga. Could be a little complicated, I guess, ten years from now, when he was really old and you weren’t. You’re just getting around to thinking about kids, and he’s ready for retirement. But he could hang out with Dad—
You know your collection agency badgered Mom and Dad until they cashed in Dad’s life insurance?
JANET
They’re not my collection agency.
Convinced Mom you’d be in jail if she didn’t find three thousand dollars.
JANET
Shit.
Yeah. Scared her so bad she paid no attention to my advice.
JANET
Let them arrest me?
They were bluffing.
JANET
So I owe Dad three thousand bucks.
And there’s the car. Given your fact situation...
Sorry. It’s terminology from the practice Bar. Everything boils down to “fact situations.”
Like Oscar and Harold own Shelter Oaks as a tenancy by the entirety. If Oscar transfers his interest by quitclaim to Marjorie without informing Harold...well, you get the point.
JANET
Not really.
Real property’s a big chunk of the Bar.
JANET
I’m not sure you should go on about too much legal stuff. Everyone’s still kind of freaked out.
Yeah, I read about the suit. Suits. We all did. Of course. Since you’re here. And everything.
JANET
All these people trying to sue Paul Schwarz just because they know he's got a lot of money.
From running this place?
JANET
No way. Paul is this amazing scientist. He basically invented the radar detector.
Beat
Did you bake that yourself? Are you the chef?
JANET
Oh, no.
I should be helping, shouldn’t I?
JANET
Never mind. The pie’s the only thing left. It needs ten more minutes.
Oh. Could have jumped on that earlier.
JANET
It’s fine. But I could use some of this... [pours herself a glass of wine] My personal integration is high enough. I can afford a couple subtractors.
See, this terminology— No wonder the papers pick up on—
JANET
We are not a— This is the best job I’ve ever had.
What do you do anyhow?
JANET
Whatever Cameron and Caroline need for the workshops.
You teach?
JANET
Well... It’s kind of
like whatever they need right then.
Oh.
JANET
Working here, I get to stay here. Sometimes it’s right to just be somewhere.
Do you need help? You would tell me if you did, right? Because I could get someone to represent you. Or—
CAROLINE enters.
CAROLINE
Janet’s lucky enough to be completely out of the lawsuit loop. For now anyhow. But if she ever did need a lawyer, our team would have her covered.
JANET
Caroline, this is my sister.
CAROLINE
Um, great. This is some place you’ve got.
CAROLINE
We’ve done what we can with the rustic charm.
JANET
What happens then?
CAROLINE
The highway. The sky opens up, the waters rush forth. What could be more rustic than that?
JANET
Wine? It is our weekend off.
CAROLINE
Why not?
JANET pours more wine.
CAROLINE
Oh, you went with the turkey.
JANET
I thought maybe Cameron’s friend...
CAROLINE
There is something to be said for tradition. From Newman’s Farm?
JANET
Totally.
CAROLINE
At least we’re supporting local business. Are you worried it’ll get cold?
JANET
I should cover them, no?
CAROLINE
Will could be stuck in traffic.
JANET runs off and returns with a stack of lids and aluminum foil. She covers each dish on the table.
So, you run this place?
CAROLINE
Reason is a collective. There is no leader, per se.
JANET
Caroline teaches with Cameron.
The sessions are awesome.
What is a subtractor anyhow?
CAROLINE
Maybe
JANET
Third week in December.
I’m booked through February. The Bar.
CAROLINE
Janet said you studied law.
At
Boalt. Yes. Hope that’s okay.
CAROLINE
Of course. We had three lawyers in our last workshop. You’re specializing in civil rights?
No.
CAROLINE
Right, it’s public policy.
Patent law.
CAROLINE
So many opportunities to work for the greater good.
I’d just like the opportunity to pay back my student loans.
JANET
Libby’s always making jokes. Even when they’re totally unnecessary.
CAROLINE
I suppose that's what's so special about the law. There’s always room later in your career to make a change and refocus on personal ideals.
Twenty-seven grand in debt’s plenty focus for now.
CAROLINE
Maybe later, then.
Beat.
Janet, would you be a dear tonight and
pin
JANET
Sure. I mean, I’ll try.
CAROLINE
That’s all anyone can do, I suppose.
JANET
He just has a new interest in everything, like taking interpolation to a new level. This morning, the whole time I was doing the sweet potatoes, he saw all this stuff in the countertop. Like the patterns in the wood and how they flow.
CAROLINE
Let’s just take him off the phase B schedule.
JANET
You think?
CAROLINE
Just take him off. I’ll
take extrapolation, and
JANET
Okay...
CAROLINE
We can’t have a repeat of Sunday.
JANET
[to
CAROLINE
But there’s no need for this impromptu bullshit. Let’s tell him tomorrow, after you get a chance to type up a revised schedule. It’ll be more official that way.
Sorry,
On the contrary.
JANET
She’s taking notes for her report back to Mom and Dad. Now that they’ve read about us in the papers, they think I’ve joined a cult.
CAROLINE
You have set everyone straight, haven’t you?
JANET
I tried.
CAROLINE
Reason is a set of tools to help people use their own brains to examine their lives and reach their goals. There’s nothing cultish about what we do.
Nothing?
CAROLINE
Cults are religious, and employ economic or sexual exploitation of their members.
I know what the dictionary says...
CAROLINE
Oh, good. It so irks me when people jump to “cult” without understanding the term. Why does your family thinks this is a cult?
Apart from the stories in the papers—
CAROLINE
All of the allegations were in
The primary objection is that they never hear from Janet.
JANET
I just, like, forget to call.
CAROLINE
Janet.
JANET
I know, parental investment, and all that. I’ll call, I promise.
CAROLINE
But surely with your training, you understand the concept of innocent until proven guilty.
Our family does believe lots of things I don’t.
CAROLINE
I hear you. [raising her glass for a toast] To thought before indictment.
JANET
To thought.
ELIZABETH raises her glass and clinks with the other two, just as CAMERON saunters in.
CAMERON
I just flashed on the funkiest idea— What’s this, toasting without me?
CAROLINE drinks from her glass. JANET and ELIZABETH follow suit.
JANET
Well, we can—
CAROLINE
Propose your own toast. Now that you’re here.
CAMERON
I will.
JANET
Oh, good.
CAMERON pours himself a glass of wine.
CAMERON
Wow, this stuff is red. You can almost see the grapes—
CAROLINE clears her throat.
CAMERON
To
They all raise their glasses and drink. CAMERON checks out
CAMERON
Who’s this?
CAMERON
Ever stopped and really looked at everything around you? How you might look at things if, say, your eyesight was failing. Take everything in, and so much becomes obvious. Clearly, you’re Janet’s sister. The way your eyes come together, there’s a little dip there. And your hairline, it follows back to your—
CAROLINE
They look nothing alike.
You’re both lovely, of course.
JANET
Thanks.
CAMERON
It doesn't have to be like this.
CAMERON exits. Offstage, the sound of fumbling through cupboards.
CAROLINE
So, when you hear from Will...
CAMERON returns, taking a swig out of a bottle of Jägermeister.
CAROLINE
Jägermeister. How very Sigma Chi of you.
CAMERON
In half an hour...never mind. The Jäger is so far beyond you, sister.
CAROLINE
I’ll stick with what I’ve got, thank you.
CAMERON
You do that. I’ll see if Will’s got it together.
CAROLINE
He’s here? I’ll go—
CAMERON
No, I got it. You can keep the festivities going here. Or try anyhow.
CAMERON exits, with the bottle.
CAROLINE
[when he’s out of earshot] New schedule. First thing tomorrow.
JANET
I’ve never seen the Jägermeister before.
Drinking problem?
CAROLINE
He’s not drunk.
No matter.
Wish I had a sister. Tell me something I don’t know about Janet.
Sucked her thumb until she was thirteen.
JANET
No way!
It was definitely junior high. There’s photographic evidence.
CAROLINE
I can see it.
JANET
Thanks.
CAROLINE
It’s not a subtractor. Just fits into your pattern of physically manifested tangents.
Has she always played with her hair?
Huh?
CAROLINE
You know the twirling, the twisting. Is this leftover from childhood, or is it new?
Janet?
JANET
I think I always did it.
CAROLINE
You can’t remember?
What’s it matter?
CAROLINE
Janet embraces her quirks in such physical ways. It’s so wonderfully simple. Some people spend years pinpointing their tics, the complicated, internal type.
JANET
I’ve already worked through my nail biting. It was mostly from my fear of success and kind of my suppressing my intuitive nature. So we want to do the hair next.
Maybe it’s just a bad habit.
CAROLINE
Could be.
So Reason is about some sort of psychoanalysis?
CAROLINE
Only if it’s pertinent. Reasoners determine where they need to work and how to approach it.
JANET
It makes so much more sense after you’ve been to a session.
Hmm.
CAROLINE
[to Janet] We’re not going to pressure your sister into signing up for perception. Nor Will.
Your brother’s friend?
CAROLINE
Mine. I suppose
She reaches for the wine bottle and discovers it’s empty.
Did you see where he kept his booze?
JANET
I can look. I have to take the pie out anyhow.
JANET exits. Backstage, the sound of rummaging through cabinets.
CAROLINE
Please, stop us if our technical talk gets to be too much. We’re pretty focused.
It’s all right, really.
CAROLINE
So will you practice up north?
JANET (offstage)
Bingo!
Oh, no. I’m taking the California Bar. It’s much more intimidating.
JANET enters with another bottle of Jägermeister.
CAROLINE
He used to be a vodka man.
JANET
This was all I could find.
CAROLINE
Well, I say we drink it.
Jägermeister?
JANET
[pouring a shot into Caroline’s glass, then her own] Come on.
Why not?
JANET pours a shot into
CAROLINE
To
Thank you.
JANET
Cheers.
All three knock back their shots and recoil from the taste.
Good God!
JANET
I forgot how bad that stuff was.
CAMERON and WILL enter.
CAMERON
Jäger!
WILL
Now there’s a blast from the past.
CAROLINE
Will! [hugging HIM] How are you?
WILL
Excellent, now. And you?
CAROLINE
Now that we've found the Jägermeister....
CAMERON
How much did you drink?
CAROLINE
Just a shot. Don’t fret—there’s plenty left.
CAMERON
You’d better have another.
JANET
Yeah?
CAROLINE
No thanks.
One was plenty.
CAMERON
Will, this is
WILL
No. But it’s a pleasure.
CAMERON
Ladies, Will.
Hellos all around.
CAROLINE
Janet helps in the office.
And tonight she’s filling in for
WILL
You baked all this? Incredible.
JANET
We should eat. Before it gets cold.
CAMERON
One more first. A single is pretty much pointless.
CAROLINE
Think I’ll pass.
CAMERON
[pouring shots, one for Caroline anyway] Come on. Will?
WILL
What the hell.
CAMERON
You, sir, get a double. Got to catch up. Ladies.
JANET
Oh, okay.
JANET picks up her glass, and
It can’t be anywhere near as foul as the first shot.
CAMERON
You, too. Oh, come on, Caroline. I promise Jäger’s made out of vegetables. Organic ones.
WILL
Herbs. I think they’re herbs.
CAROLINE
Medicinal.
WILL
Purely.
CAROLINE picks up her glass.
CAROLINE
Bottoms up, then.
All five drink. And gag.
WILL
Man, did that stuff get nastier in the last ten years?
Was it ever drinkable?
WILL
Not sure I ever tasted Jäger sober before.
CAROLINE
Why do they even bottle this?
CAMERON
It covers other tastes, like chemical ones. Like, you know, when the monks wanted something to make their nasty well water drinkable, they could mix in the Jäger.
WILL
That’s beer, man. They drank beer instead of their nasty water.
CAMERON
At least it’s not Old Grand Dad.
WILL
Never again. Although this would be the right weekend, wouldn’t it?
Old Grand Dad?
CAROLINE
Now you have to tell the story. It’s becoming our holiday tradition. ‘Twas the night before Thanksgiving...
WILL
Senior year. My
parents are abroad, so East 72nd is the obvious choice for party central. We’re driving down, me and
CAMERON
Which they were.
WILL
Which they were. So we get off the expressway and this is
obviously the place for cheap liquor.
Bums warming their hands over trash-can fires—in the rain, mind
you. I’m thinking maybe paying full
price isn’t such a bad idea. We get like
a block when the freezing part of freezing rain inevitably kicks in and—shit—our
front end’s halfway into the trunk of this brand-new Mercedes. And
God knows we need a bottle or two now. We have to rappel out of the truck, the thing’s so far up the Mercedes. But we act like nothing’s wrong, stroll into
the fortress of a shop, make our purchases, and return to the truck. I make a half-assed attempt to back out, and
the tires spin, but we don’t budge. Just
as I’m wondering if we’ll make it on foot to a subway with a case of Old Grand
Dad, there’s this whistle from the doorway of the shop, and the five bums
shuffle over and surround the truck. So
this is what happens to white boys in the
CAROLINE
...and to all a good night.
It must have cost you a fortune to fix the Mercedes.
CAMERON
We were out of there so fast.
WILL
I wasn’t going to wait around for the head of some drug cartel or slum lord or whoever to come kill me.
You were lucky. Hit and run can be pretty serious.
CAROLINE
You can take the woman out of law school, but you can’t...
WILL
She’s right, of course. I was kind of stupid when I was twenty-one.
Well, Old Grand Dad can’t taste worse than this. My mouth is folding in on itself.
JANET
Have some bread.
WILL
We should sit down, yes? They gave us nothing on the plane.
WILL pulls out a seat for
CAMERON (simultaneous with
I knew I smelled turkey.
Everything looks so good.
JANET
From Newman’s.
CAROLINE
You’re eating turkey?
CAMERON
We need to be more holistic here: embracing the whole of the world. Including animal flesh.
CAROLINE
Well, I’d love those yams.
WILL
Cara mia,
what did they teach you at Smith? Those
are sweet potatoes. Yams are from
CAROLINE
Oh, really?
WILL
It’s trivial, but true. Read
it in a manuscript yesterday. I’m dying
to sign
JANET
[to
All eyes on
One of my roommates in
WILL
Editors. The lifeblood of the industry.
CAROLINE
And you’re the brain of the industry? The heart?
WILL
I can tell you which part of the anatomy my father... But the editors do all the real work.
If only they got paid accordingly. Debbie can barely make her rent.
WILL
I thought everyone used the barter system in
Well...
JANET
But there’s so much more to life than money.
CAROLINE
Of course.
If you’ve already got it, maybe.
JANET
Libby, I meant you should talk to him about your book.
WILL
What’s this?
Nothing.
JANET
Just something you’ve wanted to do your whole life.
CAMERON
Do we have another writer here?
There is no book. It was just— When I was a kid—you know how you hit that age when you start planning your wedding and—don’t worry, guys, if you have no idea what I’m talking about. It’s a junior-high girl thing.
CAMERON
[to Caroline] You started planning your wedding in middle school?
CAROLINE
No.
Maybe it’s an
CAMERON
I tell you, we are on the edge of a renaissance. The Qi is so
intense little girls in
CAROLINE
Girls are just shifting their definition of accomplishment into traditionally male realms.
If “male” means everything that pays well.
CAROLINE
Doesn’t it? That, my dear, is what they taught us at Smith.
CAMERON
Well, you’ve come a long way, baby.
JANET
Am I the only person who actually kind of likes those ads?
CAROLINE
Did your friend become a scientist?
Dropped out of OSU. Married a preacher.
CAROLINE
“I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness...”
JANET
I don’t know. The Rev’s a decent guy.
That’s utterly nongermane.
WILL
You are a lawyer.
Almost. Bar’s in three months.
WILL
And you’ll pass?
Yeah.
WILL
Perfect!
I suppose.
WILL
I’ve been looking for a lawyer for eons. Not me, personally. Ridley and Aldrich. A friend of mine’s looking to score brownie points with some new blood.
CAMERON
McPhee?
WILL
Who else?
CAMERON
If you’re into that corporate thing...
JANET
She is, trust me.
CAMERON
That’s what they do all right. He’s got this desk. Skinny McPhee. Who’d have guessed it?
Funny, I hadn’t heard they were hiring.
WILL
I doubt they made a public announcement. They’re looking for a certain personality. Lots of work with the artistic temperament. Would be jumping right into this copyright case.
Ah. I’m afraid I’m not your man.
WILL
They’d be thrilled to hire another woman.
Maybe, but they’re going to hire one from a nice
WILL
You think so?
This bread is stupendous. I would propose a toast to the chef, but... [He has nothing to drink.]
JANET
I could get some water.
CAMERON
I’ll get the rest of the cabernet.
CAROLINE
So there is more.
CAMERON
It wouldn’t count as a stash if I left it where you could find it.
CAMERON exits.
CAROLINE
He’s in rare form. He hasn’t been overly present for the last few months.
WILL
You think he’s getting another Great Idea?
CAROLINE
What has he told you?
WILL
Nothing fantastic.
Was Reason Cameron’s last Great Idea?
CAROLINE
God, no.
WILL
I though he joined before you.
CAROLINE
Sure, in
CAMERON (offstage)
Why are my ears burning?
CAROLINE
It’s because you haven’t had a drink in five minutes. Can’t you find it?
CAMERON enters, opening a bottle.
CAMERON
I’ve seen the brandy bottle on your armoire, sister.
CAROLINE
I don’t drink that. It was Jon’s.
ELIZABETH looks to JANET, who gestures, “Don’t ask.” Silence.
JANET
I have an idea. Let’s toast to things we’re thankful for. I’ll start: I’m thankful for my sister’s visit. And I know she’s going to see why I love it here.
EVERYONE toasts.
JANET
If she just opens her mind.
I’m thankful the citizens of this country had enough sense to reelect our President.
JANET
Libby, I don’t know if...
CAROLINE
It’s all right. People of all political backgrounds are welcome here.
WILL (deadpan)
That’s good to know. I voted for Reagan.
CAROLINE
No.
WILL
[Laughs.] Come on, do I look like a Mondale man?
JANET
Oh my God.
It’s just politics.
JANET
Was that an earthquake?
CAMERON stifles a laugh.
CAROLINE
Was what an earthquake?
JANET
You didn’t feel it? The room wiggled.
ELIZABETH/WILL/CAROLINE
No.
JANET
I totally...you didn’t feel anything?
CAROLINE
Not a thing.
Whoa. There now I felt something.
WILL
What?
Like a shift.
CAMERON
It’s Jäger time.
I didn’t have that much.
CAMERON
It’s enhanced.
CAROLINE
What the hell are you talking about?
CAMERON
Truth juice, Caroline. Don’t you think it was time for you?
WILL
You didn’t. MDMA?
CAMERON
Similar. I get this stuff from this chemist post-doc
over in
WILL
No wonder it tasted like shit.
We’ve been drugged?
JANET
What’s in it?
CAMERON
You’ll see in about half an hour. What good is Reason without vision? Welcome to the next level of interpolation.
That’s assault.
CAMERON
It was an accident. I didn’t know you’d drink my stash.
But you knowingly gave us more.
CAROLINE jumps to her feet and heads for the door.
CAROLINE
Fuck this. Finger, meet gag reflex.
CAMERON
Too late.
WILL
Car, it’s probably already in your blood by now.
CAROLINE
[to Cameron] You fucker.
I can’t take drugs. The Bar does a thorough background check.
CAMERON
It’s not illegal.
So it’s one of those designer drugs not on the schedule yet.
JANET
I don’t feel anything special. What’s truth juice supposed to do?